It's okay.

This whole week was one of my hardest ones yet this year. It has been really rainy and hot out. I've spent the whole week working tirelessly and felt like I had no real breaks. I love my school and my students but the amount of work I had to do before, during, and after school was so overwhelming this week.  I was done for the day on Friday and I felt I was done for the year. Gosh when is summer break starting again? I went for my ritual walk alone after school on Friday and felt refreshed but have been feeling very anxious this entire weekend.

This afternoon I got a call from a dear friend and she immediately noticed it my voice. What's wrong, why are you sad? I told her I was just so exhausted and wanted to nap. She knows I struggle with anxiety and told me something so comforting that I rarely hear. It's okay. You can cry and it's going to be better.  I cried even harder (which may have confused her) and thanked her for saying what she said. It was just so sweet and tender and it helped put everything in perspective. It helped me feel a little bit better.

Today I felt very alone all day. I rarely ever feel like anyone has the slightest idea of what it means to live day in and day out with anxiety. Today I felt like I just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life so no suffers or has to deal with my disorder. It would be better for everyone right? Wrong. I feel now that it is going to be ok. I have made many strides this year managing and dealing with living with this disorder and it will all be okay and those who want to see my strides as I continue to move forward in my life will be here and those that won't will miss out on a lot of beautiful things.

So remember in those moments where you are worn out physically and mentally in the day but the day is hours away from over and you aren’t sure you’ll make it to dinner time…. in those moments where you might feel alone or anxious or overwhelmed with this big job of being a good sister, daughter, friend, partner, person, teacher, etc, where you sometimes don’t have any idea what you are doing yet you are trying your best…in those moments where others straight to your face tell you you aren’t doing it well enough, or tell you to just get over being anxious, and criticize your choices without thinking twice about what they are saying as they turn away…  just know that you are doing a wonderful job. You are doing your best and your best is good enough. 

What matters is that after you researched all your options, you have decided what is best for you and the people you love dearly, and that you are doing your best. And the people who really love you will always love you back (….most days!). What matters is that you are making the most out of your life and enjoying it as best you can.

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to have bad days, too. And it’s ok if the way you’re choosing to do it isn’t the way another would.  I’d like to think I have pretty thick skin (putting anything out here on this thing called the internet has sure toughened it a bit)  but  thick skin or not, we are all human and there are days where it is difficult to put on a tough face and carry on.  But not all of us are judgy and critical so don’t let ‘those people’ get you down and no one has this thing figured out perfectly; we are all in this together.

It is ok.