Dealing with Death

Loss has never been easy for me. Letting go of people, things, memories, etc. sends me into a tailspin. I have such a hard time even throwing out the weekly flowers I buy at the store {no they can make it one more day!} So dealing with the untimely death of my aunt Gloria about a month ago was difficult yet beautiful. 

Instead of becoming a hermit crab like I normally do, I decided that I really wanted to begin to learn how to deal with loss in a healthier way. I talked to friends, family, my beloved therapist and read up on how I could grieve without letting it consume my mind and life. 

For the first time ever I just allowed myself to feel. Like really feel. I don't know about you guys but most times when I'm going through something difficult or sad I try to diminish what I'm feeling, downplay how much it's impacting me, or try to brush it off. So following day after I got the abrupt phone call, I came home, put my things away and just sat at my dinner table and sobbed for about an hour. Giving myself the space and time to just feel what was going on inside felt so liberating. Then I called my mom to just talk about wonderful memories we had about her. She made some amaze guacamole and was always so positive, and when she laughed her whole body showed it, she was just so wonderful! I ended the evening with sending an email out to whom I considered my closest friends  and reached out for their support, especially knowing that I normally don't deal with these things in a clean cut way, this was really important for me to reach out for support. And 6 out of my 7 friends that I emailed quickly came to my side (technologically speaking). I felt so cared for and supported through this process. 

I know there isn't a magic recipe for dealing with these kinds of things but I'm really happy that I tried this and have continued to implement it when I've dealt with other kinds of loss more recently. That first week was pretty difficult but the more I focused on just allowing myself to feel in order to move forward, I was then actually able to do so. 

Anyway, I hope this is helpful for anyone navigating a similar situation and I would love to hear your advice and stories as well. Lots of love. 

California: A Love Story

A few weeks ago my cousin Josh got married to the love of his life, Elizabeth. Being the complete hopeless romantic that I am I cried, a lot, during the wedding. I'm so happy for them and wish them all the best. Josh and I grew up together in California so seeing him at this stage of his life is just so wonderful.

The day was full of a lot of: silliness, picture taking, flower adoring, dancing, dancing, and more dancing. I even started filming again (remember this) so I'm looking forward to putting an imovie together soon! Take a peek below at all of the lovely wedding fun.

My little cousin Mason, I just love this goober.

My cousins: Crystal, Josh, and April

Gawd we're short.

My family with the new couple!

My brother from another mother, Richard!

Richard: "There's no such thing as a dry wedding for me" His murse is NOT full of mini bottles of Skinny Girl, wine, vodka, tequila (cough cough).

Wedding party photography session = my own photo session #PassingTheTime

Such a great view from the lodge!

Girls where did you get that liquor? AND why are you girls in the back room?? ;P

Richard: The Wino  Elvia: The Hopeless Romantic

1st Dance

My cousin April and her husband Charles, line dancing. I love these lovebirds.

Slow dancing the night away with her son Christian.

Tia Maria, dancing the night away.

I caught the bouquet!!!!! I for one was just happy to take flowers with me (I'm obsessed with flowers) my Mami cried tears of hope.

Again I just want to pose with the flowers

...see!

Richard they're my flowers!!

More "it's not my day but I'll act like it's my day" pictures

Christian, you're my hero.

Ma needs a booster seat

 

Dear Richie, words can't explain how much I love you! Oh and I love you too cuz!

My brothers and I

Being silly

Ugh so fab!

+ Some other pictures from the weekend!

Papa: Mija let's pose girl! Me: Papi I love you!!!

This is my "I'm SO HAPPY I chopped off my hair" selfie. P.s. She was my inspiration.

B-B-Qing at my brother's new condo!

Freddy, always hungry.

My brother's new dog Loba, she's tiny and adorable and I want to put her in my pocket to take home

At my cousin Crystal's graduation! You did it girl!

To Elvia, Love- Mom.

A few weeks ago my Mami flew to NY to help care for me during my wisdom teeth procedure and it was full of a lot of Mexican food eating (I missed her home cooking), moseying around Brooklyn, Manhattan, and her meeting some of my NY friends. After over a week together I wanted to give her a gift that I had thought of a few months back.

I gave her a journal to write in, for me. I explained that I wanted to have this journal after she passed away and I wanted her to fill it with advice on how to: be a better woman, good mother, good wife; as well as special memories of our family through her eyes. 

I had put off giving her the journal for a while because I didn't want it to come off as morbid nor did I really think I had the strength to have the conversation with her about one day her not being here anymore without sobbing. Well turns out I didn't, hehe. This was such a difficult conversation to have mainly because my relationship with my mom is really the single most profound relationship that I’ve ever had in my life. She's truly my best friend and the thought of us not talking multiple times a week is hard for me to ever accept.

I told my mom to please give me all of the advice that she could give me, I was going to be so lonely whenever her time comes, and that I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with it. She then just said, "Mija, don't cry you're the strongest woman I know." Which then followed a lot more crying on my behalf. (ya, I'm emotional...could you tell?) I then asked her what would be the best advice I could share with all of you and it is one that she's given to me over the years and is close to my heart: All you have to do is try, it's okay to fail but it's never okay not to try.You can never disappoint yourself if you know you tried as best you could.

As Mother's Day quickly approaches I think it's important to show our mothers the love and admiration we have for them, maybe doing something in their honor such as donating to their favorite cause, making their favorite recipe and Instagramming a picture of it, painting a picture for them, etc. This year I'm planning to make an herb garden with some of her and my favorites. I haven't quite decided how big I want it to be but here and here are some great ideas!

* Also, some really cute journals.

**Lastly, here are some pictures of my Ma and I over the years and photos from her time in New York, check them out if you'd like! :)

Going to a futbol match in Los Angeles.

At my UCSB undergrad graduation!

In California for her birthday dinner.

Not being touristy at all. Who us? Never.

At brunch this past summer in California. The only reason I wore this dress to brunch is because she made me change out of my red shift dress because "it was way too short and everyone could see my undies" then I told her to "stop staring at my delicates" and then she told me that "I was loca" Okay that was a long story.

This past Christmas.

My confirmation, about 10 years ago.

I'm always telling her to wear her hair down, it looks so nice.

Mother and daughter portraits about 5 years ago. Rocking pink extensions.

ichatting.

Old grainy button picture.

***

Moseying around Washington Square Park.

Cooking Easter dinner together and being silly.

Okay much better!

I took my Ma to Ikea for the first time in her life, girl loved it. Here I am sipping British tea out of the expensive as hell teacups. ;p

My Ma asked to see my ballet outfit and I ended up staying in it all day.

Took her to one of my new favorite places in town, Eataly! I even ordered all in Italian! Yes very exciting for me.

Sipping our hot chocolate in Central Park admiring the lovely spring day.

Buying flowers at Whole Foods.

Me: Omg Ma look how cute I look in the hat! Gah I missed my calling as a model. Ma: Si Elvia...si uh huh.